Strength

Strength

[strengkth, strength, strenth]

1. the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.

2. mental power, force, or vigor.

3. moral power, firmness, or courage.

All three of the above definitions I wish I had more of. I used to think of myself as strong. That I could handle any situation thrown my way and be just fine. The past three months have been the biggest test of strength I've ever had. It's been, without a doubt, a humbling experience that God knew I needed. It's tough. Motherhood is tough. It's even more so when you are alone. I haven't made this known via social media so most of you probably don't know, but my husband has been deployed overseas for three months now. He left two days after our sweet baby girl turned two months old.

Two weeks after he left my baby started to have blood in her stool. In every single stool diaper it was there. It was a small amount, but ever present. She also broke out in eczema. I took her in for stool tests of all sorts and blood tests and the doctors couldn't give me any answers. I spent hours and hours looking for answers anywhere I could find them, whether books, the internet or other moms. I was alone and desperate for answers.

I felt so very alone. My husbands lack of presence was everywhere. The empty space next to me on the couch, the kitchen table, the bed, the car. It was inescapable. I've been alone 24/7 with my baby. I've soothed every tear, changed every diaper, gave every bath, seen every milestone. I wished my husband was home so I wouldn't have to figure out this parenting thing alone. Every day that went by I just wanted my baby to be better. I woke up dreading the day because I knew I would keep seeing the blood.

I tried cloth diapering on three separate occasions and she would just break out in a rash despite all my best tries to prevent it. 

I felt like a failure as a parent.

 My baby girl is the happiest baby I've ever seen despite what was going on with her. I definitely know that was the grace of God on me because had she been in pain and crying all the time I would have lost all sanity.

"Trust in Me."

I struggled to trust God. I was trying to put my faith everywhere else. The doctors failed me. But God is the great physician, not them. He gave me all the answers I needed for my baby through others.

In happiness I can say she's been blood free for a week now and her eczema has cleared. It took me eating only turkey, rice, pears, spaghetti squash, salt and pepper for one and one half weeks to fix the issues. I have no doubt it will stay gone, mostly because I'm stubborn.

The blood was due to intolerance's to proteins of different foods I was eating.

I have had to cut gluten, dairy, eggs, soy, tree nuts, corn, spicy foods, and acidic foods.

I am proudly still breastfeeding her and have no intention of giving up to eat the said above foods. Parenting is a journey that I've just started and I am quickly learning it's full of sacrifices and is hard work but the smiles and love I receive from my baby makes the daily struggle worth it.

God has sustained me these past few months even though most of it I tried to handle in my own strength. He only needs faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains and I was too caught up in my worries and stress to stop and have faith that He is able to do exceedingly abundantly all that I could ask or think(Eph. 3:20) 

We are half way through this deployment and I don't know what the next three months has in store but I know that God is next to me on the couch, and the kitchen table, and the bed and the car. He never left, I just was too self righteous to see Him.

If there's anything you take from this blog post please remember this. God is always there with His arms outstretched saying "Trust in Me." Don't be stubborn like me and try to shoulder the burden whether you're alone or not.

Thanks for reading and God bless our troops.

 Photo taken the day he left.

Present day